31st Dec'2002

A new year was being awaited .. everyone was was waiting for 1.1.03 wid loadz of joy .. party songs all around - every channel showed some or the other new year shows.. Special dinner was being set for the night..

Even I was happy - for the obvious reasons of the new year celebrations..my new year resolutions were all set .. was xcited to wish the school mates d last new year together..But with the family issues we never had a party at home for such occasions .. i mean we celebrated - but that wont b called a party - ummm a family celebration would be a better term ..but neways..

Ma nd aunty were  busy in kitchen in preparing the best foodies for the night .. fire was lit nd cousins and granny were having the warmth in that .. elder uncle was watching some show ..my younger uncle * kaku * was out ( probably to submit this month ending report to his office & some party after that )  nd I was watchng Titanic wid papa on star gold ( this muvi was a hype then ) ..time went by..few shows got over & few more started.. fire extinguished ( granny and cuzins came inside ) .. dinner was served..it was done too..But my Kaku was not at home yet ..it was almost 10.. a lil bit querry was being done amongst d elders as for why he was late ..My granny safe guarded him saying " he might have been busy with the reports " .. everyone believed - with unsound hearts..Titanic got over- papa preferred to sleep.. umm even almost everyone preferred that - except my granny , ma nd aunty .. but granny asked the other ladies to sleep - consoling them that she ll ask Kaku to serve him by himself - so they can go & take rest ..They agreed..She was a mother - she believed her son - & so she couldnt let her trust get down .. she waited..

There was a knock at d door- it was 11.30..granny went out- Police was there..She stood still ( with thousands of doubts in mind , she wished they had no news about Kaku ) ..they asked for my dad.. granny woke her up-( we had no idea why they were there at that time )..& they spoke >

Police - Do you know Mr.Sanjib Sarkar? 

          Papa- Yes he is my brother .. Y ? What Happaned ?
          Police - You need to come with us - he met with an accident ..

Silence. No murmers no questions no reactions .. it was just a pause..papa asked where he was - they said in the civil hospital.. papa went in - got his shirts & pants and got ready to go with them .. he asked ma to come along ( yes he was in his nerves- he might not have shown at that time - but it was his younger brother - d one who was a backbone for him - d one who had suffered the dreadly disease called polio in his childhood and was then having a successful life then - who was a support for the whole family - more than financially , mentally .. who was being loved by awll for all the possible reasons- who said that he ll be back at home for the new year celebration & ll celebrate that with d family  ) ..

Granny was still silent- may be she had a trust upon her love & her god.. she knew that nothng worst can happen-she had that faith .. She asked them if she can join them .. she wanted to see how her son was.. A mother - brave one ..she brought her so long- by surpassing all the difficulties..she knew her son cant have ne negativity in life - she never thought that her lyf would stop with a big question mark.. she thought it was minor..

they went .. we waited at home .. hoping everything to be fine .. we waited for my Kaku to come home & have his dinner -he planned that actually..

We are still waiting infact .. with every 31st - we hope we could get him back ..with every ney yr party we think about that  night .. new years are no more happy for us - & it wont be ever in the future too.. Granny still has tears..papa & uncle still want their brother to b beside them .. ma & aunty hopes to make the best foodie hoping fo their " chota devar " to come & taste..nd I in this year - writing  blog fo him.. thats all we can do .. we wish if something more could be done to get yu back - kintu tumi to nai konokhane..

miss you babon kaku ..
 keno je rekhe gele erokom shobai ke..

neways.. bhalo thako :)

HmmmMMM :P :P

Lol :P .. trust me - agreeing on the most stupidest things & then doing that too - is amongst the few weird routines :/ .. But see- i still chose to write on this " hmmm " :o coz i need to realise maself too :P 

I hate it when i speak nd log bich mey tok k apne Pjzzz sunaye >:(
I hate it either jab i say nd ppl listen wid a pin drop silence :o :o
:/ its not mie fault ab :P 

So so so .. somebody said me today - or in words shouted at me >:( saying " ab kya karu mai >:( bolta hu to bolti ho k bol ra h .. nd sunta hu to bolti ho k chup ho >:( bata do karu kya :/ .. " =)) =)) aye haye :P i felt soooooooooooooooooooooooo gud na ye sunke :P ( gud isliye coz cute reaction tha lol :P ) 

But :/ he also added ( uhhh daant k kaha mese wo bhi ) k . " while yu listn someone yu shud react wid somewords atleast >:( tum to kuch bolti hi nahi >:( tabhi i dun lyk sayng yu kch bhi ( PS- :o lyk me sayng kuch bhi ? uhh as if he shares sabkch wid me >:( kamina >:( evn meko janna b nii iski batey >:( kisi aur ko bataye na ja ke >:( ) khair :P d mudda is .. :o k koi kuch bol ra to bich mey wat m i supposed to say o.O
umm " Hmmm " <-- ye ? :o lol lol =)) ab i dunn know itna kch bss ..

Yu say - i listn :o ab kese i listen tatz awl upto me na :o :P

Hmmm soundz so ajib at tyms :o i mean .. 

" mene khana khya - reply - hmm "
" mai padh raha hu - reply - hmm " 
" mujhe nind aa rahi - reply - hmm "
" ro lo tum - reply - hmm "
" abey deemag na khao - reply - hmm "

:o :o god :o ese replyz du ab :o =)) somebdy shud let that prsn knw - k hmmmmm is not tat imp when yu listen kisi ko ;) it dependz how yu react to d silence <3 hayee e:P inni senti baat nii ye huh :P bsss ab binaaa hmm k bhi sun skte h log >:( nd nd nd :o as if wo har baat meko sunata hi h >:( >:(

10 mey se 9 things he hides from me :o nd expects k the one thing he shares - i shud talk to him us baat pe bhi d way he wants :o huhhhhhhhhhhh >:( >:( nii krti hmm shmm jao >:( jissey share krte jake ussey kaho k " hmm bola karo jab mai kch bolta hu " >:( :P

watevaaaaaaaaaaaaa :P

nd nd nd :o d heights :o whn i said i ll write on " hmm " today :o guess wat he said :o >:(

* d bigsst dot dot i tell yu * :P kehta k " ha ha likh lena - bata dena dunia ko .. ye bhi batana k tum kitni badi ganwar ho " :o :o i mean hadd h nii >:( mere blog pe me khud ko hi ganwar kahu just coz he wants me to say so >:( >:( jakey kar lo baat kisi hi-fieeee gurl se >:( i dint stppd :)

* infct who m i to stop B) *

chal ova fo now :P ll write sumthing acha sa next tym :*

chao !! :) 

Few words .

I know m serious kind of- i know i am not that fun luving always- i know i cry a lot - i know ppl have many more gud frenz thn me - i know i stand somewhere vry far in ur frendlist - i knw awl these .. yes i do !!

But is it that important that mie so called "frenz " have to make me realise once in two weeks that yes i am least vital for them nd i should accept it - i mean c'mon - after so maney bitter xperiances in lyf - few major ones infact - i have known myself in a much bettr way ( trust me i was not this few yrs back line ) .. nd someone thinks its a WOW factor that they ll make me cry & then they ll comment lyk " see i told yu - yu a very silly " - for them - yes i knw this pretty well - now will yu stop hurting me coz for yu it might be fun - bt fo me - m crying with aur my heart damn it- it srsly bleeds out d pain - m not that strong to bear .. so spare me..

You have ur frenz- go ahead - i never complained- & of course " Who M I To Complain ? " .. but at least dont compare me with them - i am happy with myself ( i shudnt b altho - coz i Lack few necessities fo being a gud prsn ) , but still..

Yes i cry - nd i wont call this my stupidity - few weeks down d line nd i might not know yu nemore- BUT - today if i knw yu & m crying fo you too- thn at least shut up nd move on,inspite of standing with me & laughing at my tears..

I hate being compared- i hate d realisation that " yes m not that trustworthy " - i hate myself for allowing others to make me cry- i hate myslf fo some hundred nd one reasonz..nd so as to compensate for awl these hatred- i cry ..cry lyk a baby..yes m cryng now too-but-m used to ..

I wish someday i ll realise that " people are meant to hurt me so it shud hardly effct me mch " ..its tough - but rayz of hopes are still alive !!

& thats how we met ..

                "Oяkut" wαs thє hyρє thєи.. Youиgstєяs ƒєlt gяєαt ьєιиg thєяє- lαtє иιght сhαts , мαkιиg ƒяιєиds ƒяoм αll thє сoяиєяs oƒ thє woяld, sєиdιиg thє сoloяєd sсяαρs αиd thє сoммuиιtιєs wєяє αll whαt whιсh мαdє thє ρєoρlє ьuzy ιи thєιя ιиtєяwєьs яαthєя thαи ьєιиg ρяαсtιсαl .. WOW wαs thє woяd .. ιt souиdєd сool ьєιиg α ραяt oƒ ιt.. * иd ι wαs so hαρρy ьєιиg α ραяt oƒ thє сool sсєиαяιo*.. ι joιиєd oяkut - sєαясhєd ƒoя мy old ьuddιєs ( & guєss whαt - ι got мy сlαss 1 сhotuz too.. wohoo- jααdu thα yαя :o ) .. uhh иєwyz .. wιth thє яoutιиє joιиєd ƒєw сoммs too.. ιt wαs thє яєαl ƒUи .. ƒlιяts ƒιghts ƒяιєиdshιρ & oƒ сouяsє thє "Lovє" - αll αt oиє go !!

Thєи αмoиgst  thє сяowd wαs α сhαρ - α joy ƒιllєd oиє - who hαяdly яєρlιєd αиyьody "sяsly" .. ι мєαи α totαl hαρρy go luсky tyρєs. You αяє ιи uя woяst мoods - hαvє α сhαt wιth thαt ьoy & yu ll ƒoяgєt whαt wαs ьothєяιиg yu ƒєw мιиs ьαсk ;) .. wє hαяdly shαяєd ƒєw яєρlιєs- ьut * hє wαs иotιсєd & soмєwhєяє ι wιshєd ι wαs иotιсєd too :ρ *.. иd иd иd ι got d αdd яєquєst wιth thє мsg " αdd αя lєиα tαkι thodα ьααt kαя sαkєy :ρ " .. lol ..

αddєd - сhαttєd - sмιlєd- lαughєd- ƒought - & dιd αwl thє ρossιьlє thιиgs thαtz woяth ιи α good ƒяєиdshιρ .. yєα ƒяєиz wє wєяє- gud oиєs ιиƒαсt .. tαlkz wєяє αlмost яєgulαя- so xсhαиgє oƒ иuмьєя wαs vєяy oьvιous - doиє !! wιth thє tιмє ιt wαs αlмost ιиєvιtαьlє thαt wє dιиt tαlk dαιly .. hє ьєсαмє мy dαιly яoutιиє & wιth α thαиk oƒ god - ι wαs hιs too :ρ ..ιt wαs sιмρly αwєsoмє ьєιиg togєthєя .. ι мєαи " wow " :d .. wιth tιмє hє hαd мєяє ραρα kα иuмьєя- мα'z иuмьєя- lαиdρhoиє .. иd thє αddяєss too :o ( αь just guess kαя lo whєяє hє stood ƒoя мє :ρ :ρ )..

Sρєсιαl wαs thє tιмє- sρєсιαl wєяє thє dαys- hαρριиєss αll αяouиd- ι ƒєlt lιkє α иєw ьoяи ьαьy - who kиows oиly to sмιlє - ιяяєsρєсtιvє oƒ whαtєvєя goιиg αяouиd ..

ι wιsh thє stoяy would hαvє сoиtιиuєd lιkє " αиd thєy lιvєd hααριly єvєяαƒtєя - oя lιkє hαρρy єиdιиg " .. ьt αlαs - ιt wαsи't thє сαsє .. khαιя ..

Lιƒє uиєxρєсtєd αs єvєя .. αмєи !!

Girls !!

Few say we are god's most special creation..
For few we are a mistake made by him ..
We are the beauty they say ..
For rest we are the chalta firta sample of fashion ..
We enlighten the darkness with a dream.. 
Wherever we are we bring the sunny ray :) 

I, a girl , m happy with awl the l'il things that matter hardly for the opposite gender.. a colourful butterfly makes us smile :) .. we need umbrellaz for going in the sun ..but then rains brings a wide smile & we luv gettng wet in every drop of it ..

Chocolates makes us happy & teddy makes us cry when we need someone to hug nd therez no1 around other than the teddy .. We luv holding hands while walking with friends.. we just want someone to share awl the secrets we have ;) .. Mumma is my best secret sharer mostly nd papa fills up my illoogical demands too..

we shout when we are angry - that doesnt mean we r rude - bt it showz that yu effct us so much that we r bound to react ..
we cry after awl the fights we have - uhh we r not cryng babiez - but we cant control our soul ..
we love when yu share the secret ONLY with us - not b'coz we r bitchy - but its spcl to knw that yu hav the trust..
When we say " m ok " - we want our frenz to cum nd be wid us then - coz actlly we r nt ok then but we want them to undrstnd mie hiddn words..
we love re reading the old msgz / chats .. errr we r not vella of crs .. but then memories are alwyz thr..
we love the colour Pink .. but Black makes us luk more stylish ;) 

D tinkling of bangles bringz us a smile .. D payal makes us happy .. Kajal is awl we care fo in d first line ..yes thatz we-d gurlz - a bit sillie might b :) 

we luv making hearts in our notes.. we luv holding our side-pillow..A rose makes we feel the beauty .. 

jeans makes us feel rocking .. but we still prefer wearing sareez at functions :) 
D mehendiz kipz us :D :D <- ths awl thruout 

We chat - not to ingite the flirt stuff - but to be frenz ..coz we luv making gud relations in all walks of lyf..

We care fo ur smile too :) we try that we kip yu happy _ wheneva we are around..

We know we are silly at times- but then we dun care when we have our frenz / family along wid us - coz we knw thy r there fo us <3

But what eva we are-how eva we are- its nly possble in ur presence.. we feel safe when we are with you .. we know we are protected ..we know we are luvd .. we knw we are not alone .. we know therz someone with us..

coz of YU - we feel d best being gurls 

& thatz why we r proud girlz !! :) 

cAre

Its there in everything .. Your mom cares for your breakfast .. your dad cares for your weekend special ice creams.. its there everywhere around.. u are attached to someone- that ensures that therez a care which you share ..

Since childhood we are being tought to respect the care shown by someone - & with the growing time - somehow or the other we forgot those lessons.. the only diffrence is- at times we regret for such things otherwise take them as an obvious reaction..

We hide our internal marks - but we dont care how our parents feel bad after they get to know about it from some unexpected sources..

We hide our tears from the world-& even dont care for hurting ourselves so deep ..

We fight - & care not to settle down untill we realise that the relation is on stake..

We cover up secrets from friends- & expect they wont care to know about that ..

At every walk of life .. we rise nd we fall .. but we realise very less that how yu do comes back to yu at some times in future..

I dont want you to let me know your every second schedule - but yes i EXPECT you to share that part 
 of your life - where i am in ..

I dont want you speak up your heart even when you want to be silent - but i want you to allow me to read your silence..

I am not asking for your pasts- but at least tell me your present..

I might not be a good secret sharer- but have you ever tried telling me * for godz sake * ?

I am not supposed to be in awl moves of your life- but then where i m in - dun make me feel unwanted !! ( it hurts else ) ..

For you, sharing that might not be important - but how should i make you realise that i CARE to know them coz your lyf matters for me .. ( someday hopefully )

I feel solicated at  times - but i make mieself happy with the thought that yu myt not have understud what i meant  * not ur fault *.. but then till when m i supposed to cry at the nights for awl your * not so called important hidden words * ..till when i m asked to UNDERSTAND ur silence - when others know your words well than me .. ( my fault may b .. but you need two hands to clap )..

Hope you care to care someday atleast !!

Silence

Its said ( umm or we can say its believed ) that in any relation - if you know the other- even the silence can be read . Is it that practical ? Neh !! 

Its what i believed .. but than at some point of time few things are bound to get changed.. Earlier i felt " if yu dun tell me thn how m i supposed to knw watz awl around " .. But then - while writing this blog now - i feel yea..i read yu .. i heard your inner sense laughing at me fo awl d sillieeness that i had done.. i can hear ur mind screaming at my duffoness .. i can hear my soul churing a million times fo the silence thats killing my patience..

I cant b mum awl the time .. i cant keep that upto me.. nd mostly i let mieself out too.. but then when you realise that only you are the one who is letting out - thn at some point or the other - it hurts ..

therz a line well said by a gurl to his boy in a song " tum jante to that i luv yu mch more - tabhi tum itna rulate ho na mujhe " .. well then its true .. yu chase sumone & that someone wont eva value yu .. lyf na - ajib h ..

life would have been so easy if people prefer speaking up over kipng shut nd hurting others with there ziiipppdddd mouth .. 

ur silence makes me feel m d most unwanted topic in ur life ..

ur silence forces me to rethink about our relation....

ur silence asks me to step back..

ur silence lets me feel lowst mostly whn m alone ..

ur silence kills me whn m sad but m bound to smile laugh & njoy just fo d sake of hiding mie tears..

ur silence makes me realise that i was stupid to call u d best part of me ..

ur silence is awl wat makes me cry ..

i know u care - i know u r upset too.. but then i want yu to tell me that .. coz ur words mean fo me. they r awl what m happy fo.. 

hoping the ice berg to break open someday atleast !!

<3 luv - d stupid sillie dumb gurl :) 

A nyt out !!

She said " i m coming alone " ( xpecting him to say - well i ll b there wid yu ) ..Her breath was held on for few seconds- waiting for the unexpected reply ..

5 seconds silence nd the words came " should i accompany you ? " .. "YES !! " .. with a lil bit shyness nd lotz of xcitement deep inside she replied a ok !! uhhh as if she dint mind - but sumhow she knew its gonna b special <3..

D day arrived .. they met - spent some official time .. a nice infact !! It was d time nd she nided to get changed .. He dropped her in her room .. Most happy was what she felt as tat time .. she wished d night to arrive soon .. Trying on awl wat she had then - she had chosen her most sexy black dress for that night .. umm unspoken were the feelings - but deep down somewhere she knew it will be her night - d one she was waiting for since she met him at a friend's party .. 

• 1st day - Hie helloww were shared 
• 2nd day - uhh not even a single hie :( 
• 3rd day - he noticed wat she was wearing nd passd on the comment " luking beautiful " .
• 4th day - d numbers xchanged 
• days later- ova phone wheneva the chances supported
• he knew wat was in his mind - & she read that too ;) 
• with d end of the month she xpected proposal .. nd the night ll fulfill her xpectation     ( she was confident ) ..

D bus started .. hopes at its peak .. they were sitting close .. very close * .. she was conscious & he was gentle on his part.. lights went off .. silence ..she looked at d dark sky out .. nd just within a secnd she realised tat she was being stared .. * pretended casual * ..
he was still staring .. she luked " wat ?? " .. he replied " nuthng " .. 

" c'mn say it now .. m dying to b in ur arms " 

D wind was chilled .. her hairs reached his face .. her smell made him go lost .. he tried not to b that fast in his moves .. he controlled rather .. but in vein .. " hold mie hands if yu r feeling cold " .. she did.. d fingers were perfectly set in his .. as if the key matched d lock .. he held that gentle .. she felt d blood running ..10 mins nd the palm was held stronger .. she knew she ll have her special awaited time " very soon " .. with the time .. they embraced at each other.. they gained concious .. " it was wrong " .. he replied " no .. just muv with the time " dont oppose ur feelings .. she knew she was taken by the moment .. he held her in her waist .. her breath stopped .. he luked at her eyes which said   wat was she feeling .. he leaned & kissed ..it lasted for 6 seconds .. ' was it real ? " of course it was.. they were together .. waitng fo the perfect time to be in each other .. nd it was then .. the most perfect time .. she tuk away her eyes from his .. he knew that she trusted him . he knew she wanted that .. he understood her dilemma ..  

he held her chin - turned towards his . nd kissed it .. nd now she was in too .. she kissed him back .. long .. they dint even cared that that the people sitting behind them noticed that they were sitting in one seat ;) .. 

they realised that its not always about spoken commitments .. at times yu need urself to let go with time .. who knows wat written in the fate .. but atleast when yu feel like doing it - make sure yu go ahead .. else chances of regretting later are more :) 

luv .. ne .. at tyms lust are also needed in lyf .. not to get kissed .. but to let ur emotions flow out .. 

Fears are never wanted .. !!

Smile Laugh Njoy - tatz awl wat lyf iz awl about na ? yea ;) * winks * :P But mine a different :( * sobz * .. 

i cry more than i smile ..

i fyt more than i hug ..

i keep shut more than i blabber :P 

tatz a me .. d very me .. 

since d baby tym - i was vry afraid of losing wateva i hav .. m afraid of DEATH .. at times it goes lyk >

" yes m smiling today - yes i have awl i want - yes m planng fo d next minute - but wat if m dead in just the next second "  .. I will be burnt .. is it eazy to accept fo me now .. i mean they awl luv me now nd when m dead i ll b burnt .. there ll be no me ? memoriez ll b there yea yeaa.. easy to console about urself ryt .. bt..uhhhhhhhhhh .. !! lol XD killz me inside .. i wish i wud hav been a christian or muslim .. at least i wont be burnt .. wat abt awl whom i luv .. hmm .. let it be ..

D next in mie list is losing the relations .. during my school tymz - parents said " frendz ll cum nd go " - uh i neva believed.. but now when m in d corporate lyn - trust me - i repeat d linez said to me - to mie cuzins " grow up kidz yu ll have more frenz in d cumng dyz " :P lyf changes wid age actually .. so does everythng ..

Aparting from mie ma papa granny uncle aunty cuzinzs- god trust me - i ll b dead soul widout them .. sumhow - esa kuch karo k koi marey nhi nd automatically thy get trnsfrmd into a new lyf .. is it possbl ? i mean c'mon .. yu r GOD .. kuch bhi yu can do ryt ? try this - m sure yu wont let me down .. 

m afraid of marriage ryt now lol :P umm coz i have a long frendlist abhi .. nd wll mie hubby b tat undrstndng whu ll allow me to talk wid awl of them on daily basis ? he has to be .. koi to hoga itna undrstndng :) * me waitng * 

thatz awl fo mie fearz now .. :P its nt gud to tell awl d weaknss at a go :P 

chao !!